[dropcap style=’box’]M[/dropcap]y dad said I am “a bad investment.”
“My son is a failure.”
These are judgments. The first is from a former semester student recalling a comment his father made. The second is from a father asked to make an observation about the child he brought to Summit for a 4-day Adventures-in-Fatherhood course three years ago.
Judgments like these are on the shortlist of horrific things some parents say to, or believe about, their children. There are at least three reasons why it is wrong to say, or believe, these sorts of judgments. First, it is not clear what these fathers specifically mean. Second, the normal human response to hearing judgments like these is to get angry, defensive, and ashamed. Third, the emotional damage inflicted by these judgments far outweighs any potential behavioral changes that may result.
There are at least three reasons why it is wrong to say, or believe, these sorts of judgments. First, it is not clear what these fathers specifically mean. Second, the normal human response to hearing judgments like these is to get angry, defensive, and ashamed. Third, the emotional damage inflicted by these judgments far outweighs any potential behavioral changes that may result.
Jesus was extremely clear when He said, “Do not judge.” Judgments are opinions or evaluations seen through the particular lens and worldview of the one making them. Perhaps Jesus was trying to save us the pain and trauma of being evaluated by others who do not know our entire story. Even the most well intended parents cannot know exactly what thoughts and feelings pervade the every day lives of their kids. So Jesus tells us to forego making judgments.
So what CAN parents do? The answer is remarkably straightforward and equally difficult—they can make observations. Observations are quantifiable specifics our senses take in. What we see, hear, smell, taste, and feel factually. For purposes of communication, we are primarily interested in the first two—specific things we see and hear in others.
In this post, we’ll focus on the latter—observations that we hear from others. The actual content of what a speaker says may be true or false, but a specific quote or close paraphrase of what he or she said is, in fact, an observation.
In this post, we’ll focus on the latter—observations that we hear from others. The actual content of what a speaker says may be true or false, but a specific quote or close paraphrase of what he or she said is, in fact, an observation.
Let’s take a common example of how a parent could handle a situation with a child who is 30 minutes late coming home with the car. A judgment might be, “You’re late and it really makes me NOT trust you.” It may well be true that trust has been diminished, but the judgment “you’re late” connected with trust stirs up defensiveness and anger. Believe it or not, there are some who consider lateness to be a relative thing. Recall Vince Lombardi’s famous quote about punctuality: “If you’re on time, you are 5 minutes late!” Personally, I judge being approximately 10 minutes past an agreed upon meeting time to be well within the boundaries of punctuality. That sort of rationalization easily leads me to be even later than 10 minutes if the situation calls for it. Perhaps I try to help someone or deal with a family emergency. Being told I’m late might then arouse defensiveness. Or I might start to think through the last time my accuser did something wrong so I can turn the tables. A potentially productive conversation becomes derailed by judgments.
Thankfully, there is a more peaceful, productive approach. Let’s go back to the situation with the teenager and the car. What if the father states an observation: “Before you left the house you said, ‘Dad, I will be home at or before 10 pm.’ Now I see that you came home at 10:35.” Assuming this time to be true, the teen cannot argue with that because it is indeed a fact. (Some might say that a teenager can argue with anything but that is for a different post.)
Assuming that consequences have been previously established, then the father only needs to enforce them. The teenager realizes that an observable behavior, not an opinion, caused the discipline. And most importantly, the discipline is not aimed at the teen’s character, but a specific behavior at a specific time. Shaming, manipulation, and guilt are removed from the situation.
The teenager realizes that an observable behavior, not an opinion, caused the discipline. And most importantly, the discipline is not aimed at the teen’s character, but a specific behavior at a specific time. Shaming, manipulation, and guilt are removed from the situation.
Remembering exactly what my kids say has made a huge difference in my own fathering. Not just for disciplinary measures, but more importantly in how I understand them and thus communicate with them. One day, when Ryan was about three years old, he fell off the landing to our front door and was having trouble getting up because the snow was very deep. He called out to his older brother, Justin, for help saying, “Jar-Jar, hold mine hand!”
I was struck hard by a three year old’s call for help, the reliance on his brother, and the innovative use of the English language to make his point. Thankfully, I always keep a journal handy, so I wrote down what Ryan said. It would become the first of hundreds of quotes made by my three boys during very formative years. Ultimately these quotes became the basis for a book entitled, Hold Mine Hand.
Remembering what people say makes for critical information. In the book, I recount the struggle nine-year old Justin had in dealing with the horrors of 9/11:
In the aftermath of 9/11, Justin showed little outward concern with all the events surrounding the tragedy. In the days that followed as I prepared to leave for work each morning, he repeatedly asked me if I was going to come home that night. It took about a week to figure out that there might be something significant to his repetitive questioning. I finally got him to tell me why he kept asking me about coming home and he said, “Daddy, so many people left for work that morning and never made it home that night. I am afraid you won’t come home.”
This is a powerful look inside a child’s heart through an observation (direct quote). In fact, re-reading this quote actually stirs many emotions in me from that anxiety-ridden time. Am I glad I took the time to write down the quote? Absolutely. I only wish I had done it more often.
We can learn to emphasize observations and quotes at any age and in any situation. Hold Mine Hand can be a helpful tool to get you started and encourage you along the way. Make it a spiritual discipline to make observations instead of judgments. The damaging quotes at the beginning of this post could have been avoided had the fathers made observations and not judgments.
Hold Mine Hand, p. 65.
I am deeply indebted to the late Marshall Rosenberg for his work on Non-Violent Communication. For more on this approach, see his book by the same title.
If you, as a father, want help navigating the vast wilderness of communication, check out our Adventures in Fatherhood course.